Tuesday, September 22, 2009

There is a magnetic field

around the fucking dishwasher at my house.

"Someone" is physically in capable of putting a fucking dish in it.

I think there's a force field. You know, like when Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are fighting with the light sabers and it makes what "wooohmp" noise?

That's around my dishwasher.

I was puking sick on Sunday. Monday I awoke to old oatmeal bowl in the sink. Coffee cup in the sink. And a pan from making his dinner.

I ignored that shit.

Today when I got home from work and there was another half filled oatmeal bowl (yes, with some water and stuck on top of yesterday's oatmeal half water filled bowl), 4 spoons, another coffee cup, his work coffee cup and tupperware containers.

What the fuck?

So because I don't feel like a fucking fight, I fucking put on my Princess Leia panties and fought that fucking force field light saber and proved the dishwasher is not made of Darth Vader bullshit.

Coming soon to a house near me:

1. How to put shit into the dishwasher
2. How to put toilet paper on the spinny thing and not on the counter - AND as a bonus course, putting it so it goes over the top of the roll.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Life's rules

I don't have very many solid "rules" one has to abide by. I'm one of those damn free spirits. My poor husband is so anal and organized. I make it a point to drive him bat shit crazy at least once a day if not more. I do though, believe whole heartedly, in a few rules of life to live by. It's made me pretty successful at whatever I have tried to accomplish.

1. There are two kinds of people in life. Those that pick their nose privately in the bathroom and those that pick their nose in the car for all to see. I for one like to pick my nose in the car. It's way more entertaining to watch people recoil in horror.

2. Never trust anyone who doesn't like bacon. Seriously. It is the food of the gods. Perfection at it's best.

3. Shower once a day and after a workout.

4. Don't expect to enjoy the oral fruits of labor from your partner if you don't give back in equal enjoyment.

5. Look yourself over in the mirror before you leave the house. Because if you don't, it will be the one day you go commando and have a gigantic gaping hole in the ass of your pants.

Now go forth and give blow jobs while picking your nose. You can thank me later.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck

-My father in law is VERY concerned that at daycare my son puts toys in his mouth that other kids have touched.


Find something else to worry about.

-I spent the weekend with my husband's friends. Corection. I spent the weekend in my husband's friend's spare room because they spent the day jamming on ass-loud music and I needed to protect my child's ears.

- My husband's friend removed ALL living room furniture (threw it out/sold it/whatever) and now here is his living room accessories:
1. Microphone and Stand (3 of each)
2. Speakers (4)
3. Amps (2)
4. Full blown drum set (1)
5. Equipment stand for full dj'ing equipment and other computer shit that holds his music
6. 3 barstools
7. And that's about it

Grow the fuck up and get some furniture. You are a 40+ year old man

- Fuck. I am tired. Cranky. I need a break.

I love my son but I need Margaret time.

How the fuck do I do that and not give my son to my inlaws who piss me the fuck off?

Really? So my son is supposed to live in a bubble and NEVER have exposure to germs?

I see where that got you - my husband is a sickly person. PErhaps if he had breathed some germs and gotten some damn germs in his mouth......

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Psycho Celebrity Tuesday

Welcome to Psycho Celebrity Tuesday. Late Tuesday, but what's your point? Our first Psycho Celebrity is none other than the Psycho Queen herself, Ms. Angelina Jolie. (applause) Why psycho you ask?

1. She carried a vile of Billy Bob Thorton's blood around her neck. I don't know about you, but Billy Bob seems to be one sick mother fucker as it is.

2. She adopts children like they are candy. Yeah, yeah she's saving children in war torn countries. I get that. But most people collect stamps or Lladro figurines. She collects children. The only difference between her and Mrs. Dugger is that not all of Jolie's kids came out of her crotch.

3. She stole Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston. Fine. Give me that look. Yes, Brad had a hand in the failure of his marriage, but for pete fuck's sake, look at the woman. I'd do Jolie. If I wasn't afraid she'd kill me afterwards.

4. She can't be human.

5. She carried a VILE OF BILLY BOB THORTON'S BLOOD around her neck. Yes, I said that before, but it's so fucking whacked that it deserved to be mentioned twice.

Ms. Jolie's publicist refused to comment.

Come back next week for more sheer mindless entertainment.